We all have at least one person in our lives that we feel could be a narcissist, but many of us are in relationships with one, and we may not even know it. Of course, the term "narcissist" is thrown around lightly this day and age, and with the rise of social media, there seems to be a rise of those who fit the NPD criteria.
How Can You Tell If You're Dating A Narcissist? What is the Medical Definition?
According to the DSM 5, NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a mental disorder in which there is, "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
A need for excessive admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitive behavior
A lack of empathy
Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes"
In short, those with NPD are extremely selfish individuals who put themselves first, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. Here are some questions to ask yourself if you find yourself wondering about your partner:
1.) Was there a "love-bombing" phase at the beginning of the relationship? Did your partner want to know every little thing about you, even your deepest secrets, and act like they were not judgmental, only to use these things against you later?
You see, a covert person with NPD is so charismatic, that they can pretend to have empathy and compassion. They use this to their advantage at the beginning of the relationship to establish that they care more deeply about you than anyone else ever has. They sweep you off your feet, and generally, this phase is extremely short. They move fast, so it lures you in.
Later, they use all the information they've gathered about you against you. Perhaps you were abused as a child. They may go so far as to say things like, "Now I see why you were abused as a child," or they may just bring it up at opportune times to make you feel weak. A narcissist needs to feel strong and powerful.
2.) Does your partner "kick you while you're down?" Many folks with NPD will take you at a low point, and jab even further to make you feel worse. It can be very manipulative, and you may not even recognize this is what they're doing at first. They do this to control you mentally and emotionally.
Sometimes they resort to calling you names or assigning adjectives to you that don't fit. Other times they will take what you're going through and minimize it, while at the same time, turn the victimhood onto themselves.
They can also blame you for not paying enough attention to them if you're feeling down to ensure you understand how unimportant your feelings really are. By putting you down, they feel more important and powerful.
3.) Did they seem to change as soon as you got married or as soon as you moved in together? Narcissists tend to act extremely differently in the courting phase. After all, they need to "get you" in order to receive their "supply" from you. Once the love-bombing phase is over, and they've got you dependent on them in one or more ways, they will start to display behavior you've not seen from them.
They will likely blame you for the change, and gaslight you into believing you really are the one at fault.
4.) Are they able to be emotionally distant from you easily? Are they cold to you when they were once very compassionate or empathetic? Do they take your emotions seriously, or do they try to minimize or completely ignore you?
5.) When you pull away from them, do they go back into the "love-bomb" phase, but only briefly?
6.) Do they have many (or any) long-term friends?
7.) Do they hog the conversation? Or do they always turn the conversation back on them?
8.) Have they gaslit you into thinking YOU'RE the narcissist? Obviously, we all exhibit some of these traits and behaviors, but if you question whether you're a narcissist or not, you're not. True narcissists will not question that 9x's out of 10.
9.) Do they constantly put you down? This one is also hard to spot, because at first, it may just seem like they're picking on you. Eventually, it'll start to wear on you, and when you confront them, they tend to place the blame somewhere else, or they may gaslight you here as well.
Nothing you do will be right from the food you eat to the clothes you wear. Many victims of narcissists explain it as "walking on eggshells" where something you do one day is right, and the exact same thing you do the next day is wrong.
Maybe you've done something worth celebrating. A narcissist can react a few ways: they act like your accomplishment was nothing, they act like they're the reason you accomplished it, or they say they could do better.
10.) Do they refuse couple's therapy?
11.) Do you make excuses for your partner's behavior? Maybe you have relationship values that are not being met, but you say, "Well, he was raised this way...this is his type of love."
12.) Are you always apologizing and feeling like you're to blame for every little thing?
13.) Are you confused or even operating in a state of "cognitive dissonance" at this point? According to Medical News Today, Cognitive dissonance "is the discomfort a person feels when their behavior does not align with their values or beliefs. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time."
14.) Have you changed to the point you no longer know who you are?
Narcissism is not something to take lightly. Sometimes those with NPD will break you down mentally to get to the next step: physical abuse. If you're the victim of domestic abuse, please seek help.
If you feel you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it's a good idea to seek therapy when leaving the relationship, or while navigating the relationship. It's rare for a narcissist to change; They don't feel like anything they've done is wrong. Sometimes the best thing to do is get out without any warning to them. Otherwise, they can suck you back in, manipulate you into staying, or go into a narcissistic rage.
One thing is certain; You'll never be good enough for them.
Written By: Jennifer
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